-im wanna figure out where i’ve been, where i am, and i where i want to be.-
Once when I was younger, I believed that I could always stay young. Like in Peter Pan, I believed I could always hang on to my childhood. I will always love my VHS’s and DVD’s but I figured out more recently that life is a whole lot more different. I’ve always thought I was so unique and different. I tried to believe that is why most didn’t like me. What I know now, I couldn’t understand then.
I convinced myself I lacked attractiveness but not personality.
(I’m finding quite the opposite lately.)
This is me and my old friend Kaleigh at the age of 12.
Being full of energy, unique, and weird were all out. Emo was in for me.
Basically I thought if you looked like this;
then I thought you were hot shit. Of course, when I went into high school no one did. As always I was an outcast. My expectation for high school quickly went down the drain.I still head onto the “keep being yourself” thing while going to bible study on Tuesday for a few more years.
I was morally, mentally, and physically confused.
New years 08/09
The Rec Room was where I spent the majority of my friday nights in Grade 8 and 9.
My memories are hazy and I changed my mind a lot depending on who I was hanging out with the most…But theres one thing I know for sure, I was definitely a try-hard.
My scene try hard days were soon over. I realized makeup and funky colours were not my thing. I couldnt pull it off and no one else was doing it anyways. (thankfully) By October I was 14 and took my first puff of that marijuana smoke. That changed me a lot and though I still love my herb I’d take it back if I had the chance. My opinions started growing with my expanding friend group. I hated smoking when I was best friends with this girl right above, Cassandra, but I soon realize I wanted to try more things. I didn’t want to bash it before I tried it. That friend ship abruptly ended only lasting about a year as “best friends”. Very unfortunately.
-side note-I think there was a sub conscious need for approval from the people around me. Sometimes, I believe, the brain and subconscious will confuse whats right and wrong by making the wrong into the right, there fore coming into conclusions that how could the wrong be wrong if it feels so right? There’s a lot more than I like to believe that goes into the choices I make and the words I speak. Since our first word all that’s been happening is the mimicking of the people around us. Words mean nothing until you put a meaning to them. I was looking through those old photo and couldnt help but avoid reading my comments. They arent all terrible…The one that made me feel the worst was where I bluntly called this guy Chris Latam a retard. No one should do that. Ever. It’s not funny or a joke. But like I said we often mimic the people around us.-
These were photos around spring/summer of 2010
In these photos I had my first boyfriend. We started dating november 2009 until may 2011. He had a huge impact on my life and was really the one for all of my change, good and bad. I never really thought about what it would be like for me to be dating a guy…I always wanted it to happen but I never expected what it would be like to be in a real relationship. Where there’s weird feelings and jealousy. All I knew was what were in movies. My parents split when I was 2 but they were always good friends. So, when it was finally happening…My first kisses and cuddles. My first anxiety attack and cut. Two extremely different emotions. How could I talk about that with I guy I’ve only been dating for a month? We said the three words that could cost a life in 3 weeks. It all was happening so fast.
I got sick. Mono happened Christmas of ‘09. Spent New years Eve by myself while my boyfriend ‘almost’ cheated on me. The only thing keeping me alive was my amazing cat Percy. If you know how I was feeling then I feel sorry for you…if you have no clue, count your blessings.
That summer I went to Christian Camp. First for the sports then for the mind control. I know that sounds crazy but I felt really manipulated by what they taught and the music they played. It was all so emotional. Basically I thought I was going to die in a fiery pit of shit. So, I talked to the pastor. (who was very attractive I might add.) I felt that my boyfriend was making me into this sinful terrible person and I had to break up with him. like wtf waz i thinkin?! That’s complete bullshit.
We broke up for a week then dated for another 10 months. He told me of all his wants too travel and leave society. My favourite movies are now Across the Universe and Into The Wild. We made these plans to save up and have a bus and be able to work across country. He was very well educated and incredibly talented. It was something I always envied.
Outside of our relationship my friendships were all very slow. I mainly wanted to be with him for the first year….then I started drinking. In February of 2011 I became best friends with this amazing girl I’ve known since 2008, Chiara. We would buy mickey and a dime bag on Fridays or an eighth. We started spending more and more time together little did I know I’d spend my entire summer with her. I started drifting away from my boyfriend and closer to Chiara. We broke up in May. That day My boyfriend and Chiaras picked us up to go to Coombs. We stopped off and got pot cookies from her brother first. Then off we went. I remember that day so vividly. Everything started to feel strange and I had this break up letter for my boyfriend. It all felt so wrong and unusual…Almost dream like. He could tell something was wrong. I was acting strange, not holding his hand. Ww all stopped off at this waterfall on the way back. I ran off and I think I said I wanted to adventure. He followed me and asked what was wrong…I couldn’t speak. No words would come out, my mind was on over-drive, my mouth was jammed, the words were stuck. He spoke for me…As soon as I knew it we broke up. I’ve noted that we broke up while I was 1. with Chiara and 2. Stoned. The regret sunk in within minutes. I knew it was wrong.
Sadly, we never got back together. I tried too hard to get him back and didn’t take enough time to think. From all those romantic movies and t.v shows, like Boy Meets World…I didn’t learn shit. We saw each other a handful amount of times after. He owed money to my dad for a car he bought off of him so he came to split wood.
I knew he was hooking up with this girl Hannah but when I saw them they seemed like more than a thing…I did what any coward would do…I ran. A.K.A I decided to move down island with my mom. I started dating this guy Braeden in November. He’s a whole huge mistake led with regret. Long story short, my ex messaged me in February. I had moved back to ladysmith and have seen nothing of him in the past 6 or 7 months. A few texts but I always went over board with trying to get him back. It’s unfortunate but I’ve been trying to keep it behind me. But in February he asked to pick me up so we could talk in person. I was nervous and depressed. I had so much anxiety it was hard to talk right or even sit properly. He was doing perfect as always…He told me all summer he was choosing between Hannah and me.
Braeden sex skyped with this girl and got her nudes…lied to me for months…then broke up with me for being depressed a week before my family road trip along the west coast. My first ex also broke up with his girlfriend in October but by then I was seeing my current boyfriend Harley.
He was Braedens best friend…I mean Braeden loved him. A lot. Harley didnt really care. He used to be chunky but lost a bunch of weight. I always really liked him but only considered him a friend. I ended up taking his virginity and we have hardly been apart for the past year and a half. I’ve gone through a lot emotionally within this time. but I am a completely different person from who I was in the beginning. My emotions with Braeden were still very confusing. In November he started dating this girl but telling me that he loved me. I think he really just wanted to have sex one more time then leave. Thankfully that never happened.
All in all..
I think this all ties in with me being severely unhappy with myself and who I was this whole time. I wanted to find whole acceptance through someone who I accepted just as much. I just never knew how to forgive and move on. There was no role model in my life helping me make the right decisions or comforting me when I’m in the wrong. I learned it wasn’t necessarily bad or good when I was wrong. I was extremely undisciplined and over weight since the age of 8. The problem with Role Models I had were they were all just playing a role. (Amanda Bynes, Miley Cyrus.)
There was a quote “Be the person you needed as a child.” And that is where I am at right now. Trying to figure out where I went wrong and how I can fix myself.